* this playlist is in relation to each diary entry - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ZQyEOPZHNCvErqskIJceZ *

february 29th

the wind cuts through bare trees
a hollow sound echoing where
our love once lived
I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone before
now that love feels like an echo
trapped in a cold and empty roomI wish you knew how much you meant to me
how your voice made my days
how your laughter thawed the cruelest frost
I still listen to those songs you played for me
their chords unraveling memories
I can’t decide to keep or burnthe snow will melt soon
and the flowers will bloom under gloomy skies
their fragile petals a reminder of something lost
something that grows even in the shadow of absencefour years from now
when february 29th rolls around again
I’ll think of you
of the space you filled
and the void you left behindthere are no words left to give you
no warmth in this calendar’s stolen day
only a promise I keep alone
to remember
to mourn
to love still

diary entry I - sailor's songI thought you were the storm that would carry me home
not the shipwreck waiting beneath the waves
your touch was a fire in a frostbitten world
an inferno so untamed I mistook it for warmth
convinced the heat could heal my scarsevery kiss, every filthy comment
was a constellation I charted on the map in which I longed for you
I called you fate
a version of you I created from the failures that broke me
and tied you to my soul
with the trembling hands of hopebut your flame did not warm me
instead, it consumed
a wildfire that thrived on my insecurities
poisonous, relentless, across my boundaries
I mistook the burn for passion
but it was only ash building up in my lungswe were gravity pulling each other down
our love was a snowstorm in february
a hunger too insatiable to ever be sated
I tried to hold you
but my hands came away with nothing
nothing but ash and embersstill, I lingered
a sailor seduced by the siren's song
believing the crash was worth the melody
even now in the silence
I taste your salt in the air
and wonder if love
is ever more than a beautiful lie
we tell ourselves
to survive the emptiness

diary entry II - scarsyou had me
a fragile thing resting in your palm
trusting the warmth of your skin
to keep me safe
but your fingers curled tighter
knuckles bruised with betrayal
until I broke into pieces you didn’t bother to pick upnow I sit with the silence
listening for the voices in my head
remembering the words you once spoke to me
words that felt like promises
but were fraudulent pieces of your heart
dissolving in acidI miss you
even as the wounds you left
pulse beneath my ribs
a hum of absence and isolation
that I can’t unlearn
I miss you
even though loving you
was a slow unraveling
I mistook for eternityyou still haunt my hands
the way they ache to reach for you
grasping at shadows that linger
long after the light has gone.
and here I am
alone in the hollow space you carved
still searching for the pieces
I let you take

diary entry III - wings in motionI was weightless once
wings spread in a sky too wide to name
the air carrying whispers of a future
where light didn’t hurt to look at
every breath felt like a drug induced high
every thought was a cloud I could gaze intobut the pull
that old familiar gravity
dragged me back to where the shadows linger
the ground rushed to greet me
an embrace I thought I’d escaped
its razors gliding down my healing wrists
like a promise I’d tried to forgetI watch the sky from below now
a distant dream I barely remember
each flutter of wings feels cruel
a taunt
reminding me of what I lost
of what I let slip
the moment my fears grew teeth and ripped the flesh from the bonethe air is too heavy here
the weight of my thoughts presses down
my chest a cage
my heart is a bird too tired to sing
I look up
hoping for another cloud or even just some sunshine
but the sky seems farther away
than it ever has before

diary entry IV - silverlove is a wheel I keep turning
a circle I can’t step out of
every beginning feels like the one
a glimmer of silver
between the black and white world I live in
a flicker of light I almost believe insilver tarnishes
hope becomes rust
and the words they say dissolve
like smoke in the air
leaving me with the same empty hands
I started withI tell myself people change
I tell myself "this time things are different"
but it’s the same person
with a new face
the same fall disguised
as a leap of faiththe world on a grayscale
a spectrum of nothing
where even the brightest moments
carry shadows too dark to ignore
life devoid of color
becomes a monotone rhyme
a reminder that the middle
isn’t a place to staylike a manic episode
you're high or low
I seem to green out everytime
for those warning signs
I mistook for butterfliesI am tired of circles
of chasing horizons that bend away
the closer I get
I keep walking
as if someday
the silver will stop shining just to fade
maybe then you'll stay

diary entry V - pretendI wear the mask so tightly now
it feels like my own skin
words spill from my mouth
flowing like a rivera language I crafted to make you stay
to hide the jagged edges underneath
I tell you I’m fine
that this is who I’ve always been
a version of myself you’d want to holdevery lie digs deeper
each syllable a shovel
turning over the soil
I’m burying what I am
what I can’t let you see
the truth would only ruin us
and I need you too muchbut don't worry
I'll bury you with me
smiling as the dirt piles higher
pretending I don’t feel the weight
of my own deception pressing down
loving you is an act of erasure
of silencing the voices
that scream I’m not enoughI’ll stay here in this shallow grave
hidden from the light of who I was
hoping you never notice
the cracks beneath the surface
loving you feels like suffocating
but I’d rather drown and die
than let you see me gasping for air

diary entry VI - the perfect pairwe don’t speak like we used to
our words heavy
sinking before they reach the surface
the silence reaches for us
a quiet we wear like winter coatI sit in this stillness
waiting for ripples
for something to break the surface of this icy lake
and remind me we’re alive
the air between us is stale
breaths held too long
as if exhaling would mean admitting
how far we’ve driftedwe are here
in this place we made
a stagnant puddle of what was once a pool of love
I wonder if this is it
or if it’s the ghost of love
haunting us with what we can’t reclaimI am tired
of the quiet
of the weight that comes with staying still
but I don’t leave
and neither do youwe’ve built something here
a fortress of resignation
a home where we sit side by side
watching the walls close inI want to move
to feel the rush of a current
pulling us somewhere
anywhereyou don’t reach for me
and I don’t ask
we stay in the quiet waters
knowing we could swim
but choosing instead to float

diary entry VII - good lookingI thought I knew the weight of you
the shape of your shadows
the edges I could press against without bleeding
I thought I’d uncovered every secret
but you kept them buried deeperthe world feels unsteady now
each revelation another crack
splitting beneath my feet
I believe you adored me once
I can see it in the way your eyes softened
when I didn’t know betteryou’re a stranger
in the same body I used to touch
your words hollow
your love a distant flicker
I can’t feel anymore
did I push too hard
or was this always your plan?
to build me up
just to watch me crumble
when the truth became too heavy to holdI remember the way you smiled
the way you carried me
like I was precious
fragile in a way that made you careful
but those hands aren’t careful anymorethey let go
they let me fall
into the wreckage of what we were
leaving me to sort through
the pieces of a love
I thought was real

diary entry VIII - the perfect girlI don’t know her name
but she's utterly pulchritudinous
she moves like a dream caught in daylight
unfolding with a mystery
that doesn’t seem meant for this worldethereal
but more than that
something beyond the reach of words
as if she’s woven from moonlight
and secrets the earth has yet to tellshe doesn’t notice me
how could she?
I’m just another shape in her periphery
another shadow in a world she walks above
but yet, I am drawn
a moth to the heat of a flameI know will consume me
It isn’t just beauty
it’s the weight of her presence
the way she holds herself
like a puzzle no one’s ever solvedI want to know her
not in the simple way of names and stories
but in the way oceans know the shore
to crash
to pull away
to return again
always wanting moreshe’s perfect
not in the way the word suggests
but in the way imperfections
become sacred when no one can touch them
I watch her and feel it in my chestthis ache
this hunger
as if knowing her
would finally explain
the pieces of myself I can’t name

diary entry IX - loving machineI peek at her from around the corners
where a crush turns into something bitter
she mistakes complacency for devotion
a man built for safety
his heart a clockwork engine
that never skips a beat
never faltersshe smiles
but it doesn’t reach her eyes
even from here
I can see the weight of it
the quiet resignation of a woman
who’s chosen peace over passion
routine over riskhe doesn’t see it
doesn’t notice the way her laughter
fades a second too soon
or the hunger in her gaze
for something he’ll never beI could be that something
I could read her silences
her cues
the restless wants and needs she tucks away
I could give her fire
the kind that burns but doesn’t destroyshe’s chosen the this inanimate object of a man
a man who will never leave
never hurt her
never surprise her
never truly love herI envy him
his predictability
the insipidity she’s learned to love
I wonder if she feels the ache
the emptiness of settling for less
she’s traded chaos for certainty
who am I to argue
with a heart too tired to break again?

diary entry X - sleep thru ur alarmsthe morning comes
but I don't get out of bed
the light bends through the cracks
I turn over to avoid being blinded
the bed is a casket I sleep peacefully in
a soft suffocation
an unyielding comfortthoughts ricochet
sharp and fast
each one finding its mark
you’re useless
you’re nothing
they’d be better without you
the words aren’t mine
but they sound as if they're in my voice
louder than anything I’ve ever saidI sleep through the alarms
through the calls
through the day itself
letting time dissolve into a haze
because the world outside
is a battlefield I’ve long surrenderedthese bed sheets are the white flags
that I raised when I gave up
now they touch me ever so gently
wrapping me in their soft embracethere’s no choice in this, not really
the weight pins me down
and I sink further
a whispered prayer for oblivion
that never answers backthey say it’s a temporary storm
but it feels like a permanent hurricane
the thoughts don’t stop
they never stop
even here, in this fragile silence
they fire again
piercing my skin
my mind
my willif only they’d miss for once
if only I could wake up
without wanting to disappear

diary entry XI - it's not loveyou said softly
your voice a trembling melody
"I think I love you"
your words fell flat
silence in a room too small for us
you don’t know me
not reallyyou hold my hand like it’s a trophy
a symbol of something won
but there’s no meaning in your grip
no understanding in your touch
I see it in your eyes
that distant gaze
searching for something I can’t beyou think love is in the motion
in the way our bodies fit
in the rhythm of our conversations
but it’s more than that
more than a shape to fill the empty space
love is a depth you’ve never reachedI thought I knew better
thought your walls were paper thin
I could press my hands to them
and feel your pulse through the paint
but they’re concrete
thick and cold
your heart a distant concept
I'll never touchyou love the idea of me
the way I make you feel alive
the way I bring color to your own gloomy days
but you don’t know my soul
you don’t care to learn about
the weight I carry
or the quiet truths I hideyou think you love me
but you only love the reflection of yourself
in my eyes

diary entry XII - ultraviolenceyou swore you were different
and I wanted to believe you
needed to believe you
your touch was once so soft
brushed against my skin
but now it burns
leaving marks I have grown fond of
searching for the meaning of your loveyour words slice through me
daggers disguised as truth
“you’ll never be enough”
and I believe it
because I’ve heard it before
felt it before
the cold nostalgia of being broken
by hands that claimed to careevery bruise feels like a scarlet love letter
every strike to the face like a promise
I tell myself
at least you still see me
at least you still touch me
even if it’s with anger
even if it’s with violence
it’s better than the silence
I’ve drowned in beforeyou remind me of him
the way his love twisted
like a sword inside me
how he’d break me
just to see me crawl back
how I’d mistake his fists
for arms pulling me closerI miss the version of you
that I believe once existed
but I know this is who you are
a present memory of my past
a ghost of all I thought I’d escaped
and yet, I stay
because the pain feels like homeI tell myself it’s love
that your rage is a kind of passion
your cruelty, a deranged devotion
because if it’s not
then what am I?
bleeding out for nothing?
falling apart for no one?

diary entry XIII - loser monologueI watch you from the edge of this earth
your world is small, compact, centered around you
my voice cracks when I say your name
like it’s a fragile glassI can’t stop holding
you don’t see it, but I do
my fingers twitch when you walk by
not to reach for you
but to anchor themselves
in a gravity they can’t escapeI've memorized you in ways that feel holy
not the way lovers do
but the way lost souls cling to their love
in the hope of finding the way home
I think they know how ruinous it is
my obsession burning brighter than candlelighttheir dreams circling you like the moon orbits the earth
the earth, the sun
even though they are light-years away
from touching what they craveI think it's called love
but it looks more like surrender
a desperate yearning to be near
not to own, not to consume
but to exist in your world
to be the dirt on your shoes
the air you never think to say thank you toI hate myself for this
as much as I adore you
I see the guilt leaking out in sighs
in clenched fists and bitten lips
as I try to convince myself
that you are just a person
not a savior, not a cure
but you’ve become a melody
I can’t stop singing
even when my throat aches
and my faith is recalledI want to stop
God, I do
to cut you out like a splinter
to reclaim the pieces of myself
that obsession has devoured
but the truth is cruel
I don’t want freedom
I want you to see me
just once
the way I see youand maybe I believe
in the softest part of my soul
that if you knew
how deep my devotion ran
you might turn
fall
and collapseI don’t want your body
I want your breath
the moments when your gaze
falls on something ordinary
and makes it extraordinary
to stand near enough
to admire you without permission
to exist in your world
without feeling like an intruderI am drowning quietly
a tide I no longer fight
and I can see it now
the way I have made peace
with never forgetting you
you are the light
and will always burn in the dark
my prayer
without an answer

diary entry XIV - louiseI don’t ask for much
just a body next to mine
just eyes that don't wander
just lips that shape my name without crackingyou could be anyone
you could be no one
your face blurs in my memory
like your breath dissolving
into the cold winter airlove always comes too heavy
its weight snapping the fragile threads
that held us together
in the hollow concept of wanting
it demands meaning where none belongs
it plants roots in soil too malnourished to nurture themI never wanted to be an idol
but I’ve been carved into one
a shape to be passed
touched, desired, discarded
the crevices deepen with every hand
but I hold no one long enough
to show them how deep they goI’ve tried to stay
tried to mean something
but the spark always burns holes
through whatever good we could’ve made
love doesn't always heal
sometimes, it ruins
the quiet sanctuary of connectionI keep moving
from you, to them, to whoever is next
not because I crave the chase
but because stillness is unbearable
because staying means seeing myself
in the reflection of your empty eyesmaybe that’s all I’ll ever be
an object
a temporary comfort
a beautiful situation ruined
by the mistake of asking for more

diary entry XV - fallingforyouI sit close, not too close
close enough to feel the warmth
that never quite reaches me physically
your laugh, your voice
a soft vibration through the air
I pretend it lands just for meyou are a maze I’ll willingly wander
for as long as it takes
you brush of your arm against mine
and almost smile when our eyes meet
are you inviting me in
or am I chasing empty space between us?
you don’t pull away
and it’s enough to keep me hopingI tell myself I can wait
I’ll wait forever
if that’s the price for a door into your heart
it’s a lie I can barely believe
the impatience haunts me
I want you now
your attention undivided and realI think I’m falling for you
it’s slow and sharp all at once
a push and pull I can’t escape
if you don’t see it yet
I’ll keep showing you
with my eyes
the way I light up
every time you look my way

diary entry XVI - I can't sleepI keep the lights on
and let the TV mumble nonsense
hold my breath and listen to the clock tick
anything to keep the dark from pulling me underI don’t want to see you there again
in dreams where you’re still alive
where your laugh doesn’t haunt like a ghost
through the empty spaces you leftI’m terrified to see you anywhere
a glimpse of your face could bring it all back
I don’t want to look at you
and remember the way you looked at me
when we still believed we were unbreakableit’s worse at night
when sleep wraps its hands around my throat
I fight it, but it’s never enough
you find me there
the memory of you spilling into every hole
your voice sounds like it did before the end
full of things unsaid
I wake up gasping
like I’ve drowned in a place that doesn’t existI want you out of my head
I want you gone
but the memories claw at the corners of my mind
I don’t miss you
I don’t miss you
I chant it like a prayer
but it never saves methe hours feel like days
my eyes burn from the strain of keeping them open
I have to resist
the promise of sleep
has become a threat
and it means seeing you again

diary entry XVII - there's no use in tryingI stopped picking up the pieces
they don’t fit anymore
not since you left them scattered
for someone else to holdthe days seem long and repetitive
their weight presses on my chest
like a hand that never lets go
every room in this place
feels smaller without you in itI used to think love was enough
that it could bend and stretch
fill the void that life created
I see now
it doesn’t matter how tightly you hold someone
if they want to leave
they willyou smile at them now
I see it in pictures I wish I’d never found
in the words you don’t say when I try to call
but I can’t hate them
they didn’t steal you
you gave yourself awaythere’s no use in trying
to fight for what’s already gone
I could tear myself apart
but it won’t bring you back
it won’t change the way
your absence has swallowed me wholeI let the despair settle in
a poisonous, bitter companion
it whispers truths I don’t want to hear
that you’ve moved on
that I’m the only one still standing
in the ruins of what we weremaybe that’s all there is now
a void where you used to be
and the slow, inevitable resignation
that nothing I do
will ever bring you back

diary entry XVIII - the blondeshe walks in
and the room bends toward her
like sunflowers to the sun
blonde hair spilling down her back
like silk sheets
something you’d give your soul for
without thinking twicethey love her
she doesn’t have to ask
the world already belongs to her
every glance, every whisper
every “did you see her?”
it all falls at her feetI watch from a distance
my hair is dark
nothing special
I’ve tried to bleach it
to steal some of her glow
the regrowth always betrays me
dark streaks creeping back
reminders that I’ll never be herthey say beauty is subjective
but they’re lying
there’s a standard, and it’s her
the blonde girl in every song
every dream
every broken heart
she’s the muse
and I’m the afterthoughtI crave her power
her ease
the way she doesn’t even notice
the envy in everyone’s eyes
would they love me
if I were her?
would I finally be wanted
if my hair reflected the sun?it feels foolish
this obsession
it claws at me
the way they all gravitate to her
how they’d tear themselves apart
just to touch her handI wonder
will I ever stop chasing
what I’ll never catch?
will I fade into the background
while she keeps shining
without even trying?

diary entry XIX - j's lullabyI miss you in a way
that stretches across lifetimes
like a star trying to touch the earth
the space between us
there's too much of it
whispers you’ll never hearif you came back
I’d give you all of me
I’d lay my heart in your hands
let you shape it into whatever you need
I’d hold nothing back
not even the pieces I’ve tried to keep safeI want more time with you
one more laugh
one more brush of your hand against mine
one more chance
to tell you everything I never didI’d give you the sun if I could
let its glow wrap you in warmth
the light renewing every broken part of you
but I know
holding it would burn me alive
even so
I’d reach for it
let it sear my hands
if it meant you’d feel lovedthe stars, too
are yours for the taking
I’d scatter them at your feet
their light a map
to guide you back to meand the moon
I’d cradle it in my arms
a reflection of the care
I can’t help but pour out for you
even as the pull shifts my tides
even as it leaves me undone
I’d give it gladlyI’ll wait for you
as long as it takes
through every sunrise that reminds me of you
through every night
when your absence cuts into me like the coldI’d hold the sun, the stars, the moon
even as they consume me
if it meant one more moment
with the embrace of your love

diary entry XX - be my mistakeyou text me late
your words slipping in like fog underneath the door
I can’t ignore you
I never could
you know that
you know the loneliness
you fit into so well
like an old sweater that still smells of cigarettesI miss you
I can't deny that
your hands
the way they burned my skin every time you touched me
it wasn’t love
it never was
but it was something
and sometimes something feels better than the emptinesshe reminds me of you
not in the way you might think
not the fire, not the ache
they’re soft
gentle
the kind of love that makes my chest feel full
instead of hollowed out
their kindness makes me weak
and I don’t know if I deserve itbut you
you still linger
I keep you there
in the back of my mind
a flame I could turn to
when the nights get too cold
when the silence rings too loudI hate that I want you
even knowing what you are
a mistake I’m too willing to make
you don’t love me
not really
you want the way I used to crumble in your hands
I let you in
because a part of me craves the ruinbut he make me feel whole
like I could stop running
like I could finally be enough
it terrifies me
this purity
this love that doesn’t hurtI balance between the agony
knowing I’ll fall
knowing the hurt will come again
you are my mistake
the one I can’t stop making
maybe, just maybe
I’ll choose the one
who doesn’t leave me in ashes

diary entry XXI - last night I dreamt that somebody loved melast night, I dreamt you loved me
not the shallow fire you fed me
but something real
something that could survive the daylight
in the dream
your hands weren’t weapons.
your words weren’t barbed wires
I was whole
and you were kindbut that’s all it was
a dream
because your love was never soft
it roared, consumed
left nothing behind but ash and dust
you called it passion
called me yours
but I was only ever a flame
you loved to pour water overI wasn’t smart enough to see it
not then
not when you whispered everything
I’d been starving to hear
not when you filled my chest with hope
only to dig it out again
you drenched me in your light
just to snuff it out
when I started to believe in ithow many nights did I spend
convincing myself you’d change?
how many mornings did I wake
with the taste of your lies still on my tongue?I wonder now
how long before I find the one
who won’t burn me
who will stay, not out of lust
but because they see me
the real me
the parts even I can’t look at sometimes?when will they come?
the last one
the one I won’t grow apart from
the one who will hold me like a promise
instead of a fleeting dreamI’m tired of dreaming
tired of chasing deception
and calling it love
I want something that lasts
something that doesn’t leave me
waking up alone

diary entry XXII - cynical onedon’t turn your heart to stone
not yet, not here, not while I’m watching
the tone in your voice tell me everything
they’re repetition of someone else’s mistakes,
but you are not their ghostlet me hold your hands
soft as they are, trembling
you tell me love is a fiction
created by dreamers who’ve never
tasted its bitter bite
but I’ve bitten too
and I’m still here, aren’t I?if I seem cynical,
it’s because the world taught me to flinch first
it’s because I’ve seen love set fire to itself
turn to ash, and scatter on the wind
I’ve also watched it rise again
fragile and defiant
and I think we could be that, tooI know the weight of your past
the heaviness of doors you closed
the horror that followed
but not every door has to lock forever
some doors swing open
when you stop fearing the windlook at me, really look
there’s no trick here, no juvenile games
I’m not asking for your faith
I’m asking for your steps
one at a time
across the bed of broken glass of what you think love isI see what you don’t
that your worry, your doubt
your hesitation to believe
are what make you worth believing in
if you can’t trust that yet
then trust medon’t write the ending just because the middle hurt
there’s more, I promise you
there’s me
and I am not afraid of your demons

diary entry XXIII - everyone adores youI see you, even when you shrink
even when you fold yourself small enough
to slip between the cracks of your own defenses
I see you there
and I wonder how you can’t see
what I doyou’ve mastered the art of disappearing
of holding your breath
so no one notices the space you take
don’t you see how the world
leans closer to you?
even when you’re quiet
you pull at it
like gravitythere’s a tenderness in you
you’ve mistaken for weakness
a light that flickers
because it’s afraid to burn too bright
but it’s there
and I love ityou have built these walls
brick by brick
thinking they keep the pain out
don’t you feel them caving in
too close to let the air reach you?
let me show you how to unbuild
how to leave the door open just a crackwhen I say you are loved
I mean it in ways you haven’t let yourself believe
in the way your laughter brightens the room
in the way your absence holds weight
even strangers feel it
and me?
I am helpless against itthe world isn’t always kind
I know
not everyone is the storm
you’ve prepared for
some of us are the shelter
some of us see your scarstake my hand
just this once
let yourself be held
like you’re something precious
because you are
and everyone adores you
at least, I do

diary entry XXIV - lvr boythe world was gray before you
muted shades of almost
of maybe, of not enough
then you walked in
and suddenly, red was red
blue was infinite
I saw the green of spring
and the amber in your eyesyou were the one who taught me
how to let someone in
how to stumble through love
without tripping over my own fear
I didn’t know what it meant
to trust someone fully
until I held your hand
and felt the earth steady beneath usyou made me stronger
you’d be proud of the way
I’ve learned to love someone new
to hold them softer
to stay when it feels hard
it’s you I have to thank for that
you, my first love
my lover boyyou showed me the beauty
in even the smallest things
I feel complete
whole
lovedyou were the beginning of me
the one who made the world bloom
in technicolor
and though we couldn’t stay
you’re the reason I can see the light
in someone else’s eyes
and call it home

diary entry XXV - meteor showerI’d sell my own bones for sapphire stones
because blue is your favorite color
I’d give up the peaceful night time
just to see your eyes catch light
even the smallest glint of happiness
I’d trade anything for itdaydreams I cling to too tightly
versions of myself
that stretch beyond the truth of who I am
I imagine a world where
I am bigger, brighter, better
not because you ask for it
but because I want to deserve the way you look at mewe go well together, don’t we?
that’s what you said once
your voice soft, like you were testing the truth
I laughed
not because it wasn’t true
but because it wasyou make me feel
like the person I wish I could be
calm and certain
enough just as I am
I don’t need grand gestures or perfect words
you smile at me
and I'm okaystill, I find myself wishing
for things I don’t have
for stories that don’t belong to me
not because you demand them
but because I want to give you the stars
and all I have are firefliesthen you tell me
that fireflies are magic
and for once, I believe it
for once, I believe that I am enough
when you’re here
laughing in the light I didn’t know I had

diary entry XXVI - pink + whitethe sky wasn’t blue when we met
it was pink and white
beautiful and jaw dropping
like the start of something
I couldn’t name yet
you told me not to wonder why
to stop searching for logic
in the colors of the clouds
“they just are,” you said
“the way we just are”I used to grip too tightly
hold the ground of the world
and try to bend it to my will
you taught me the art of letting go
of saying yes to the tide
instead of fighting itwe walked barefoot through fields
and you told me to let the grass
decide where to touch my ankles
we stood in the rain
and you told me to let the drops
fall where they wantedI learned to let the sky paint itself
you taught me to stop measuring my joy
in the angles of the sun
or the weight of a storm cloudif downhill means ease
then I’ll take it
if downhill means coasting
I’ll hold your hand as we glide
the climb was hard
but here we are
with pink and white skies
and a world I finally understand
isn’t mine to control

diary entry XXVII - what would I do?the sun seems brighter and warmer when you’re here
its light draping over us
like a blanket we never asked for
but always needed
the air smells sweeter
like the earth itself blooms
just to watch you smile
the trees lean closer
just to hear you laughyou make the ordinary
feel like it matters
the sunday mornings
the brewing coffee
the mismatched socks
even my mistakes feel smaller
less harmful
because you hold them
like they’re worth forgivingI’ve always been afraid of my flaws
the constant mistakes
the pieces I couldn’t smooth down
but you see them and stay
you stay
like you’re tethered to something
I never knew was therelife without you feels impossible
like trying to catch water
in my hands
what would I do
without the way you make everything
feel brighter?
what would I do
without the way you say my name
like it’s worth repeating?what would I do
without you?
I don’t think I want to know

diary entry XXVIII - begin againwednesday in a cafe
not the kind of place
where love is supposed to begin
but there you were
stirring sugar into your coffee
like the world moved slower around you
you looked up
and for the first time in too long
I felt seenI think about the years I lost
with people who never really stayed
their love brittle
their words thin as paper
I used to make myself smaller
just to fit inside their lives
to take up less space
to ask for nothing
but you were differentyou complimented my dark brown hair
you pulled out chairs
opened doors
waited for me to speak
little things I craved for so long
that I started to believe
were too much to wantyour kindness isn’t practiced
it’s who you are.
when I talk
you’re not just waiting to move on
you’re listening
really listeningI don’t know how to describe it
the way you care
it’s not in grand gestures
or rehearsed lines
it’s in the way you look at me
like I’m someone
like I don’t need to be more
than what I already amI think about that wednesday often
how I sat across from you
not knowing that every moment before
was leading me to this
to you

february 28th, 4 years later

the wind whips the air loudly
the snow has fallen over your grave
I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone before
and I really mean thatI wish I could've shown you just how truly special you were to me
how your existence made my life worth living
I placed roses on your grave
I listened to our favorite song on the drive homethe snow was heavy this year
I still can't grasp the mere fact
that you're gone
and that I will never be able to touch you againfour years from now
when february 29th rolls around again
I’ll think of you
of the space you filled
and the void you left behindthere are no words left to say
to explain the hole in my heart
no warmth in this calendar’s stolen day
only a promise I keep alone
to remember
to mourn
to love still
to never forget the boy who loved me
and taught me how to love myself

diary entry XXIX - dancing with your ghostI play the songs we loved
the ones that made the world tolerable
when you were here
the melody carries your memory
and I let it wrap around me
like you used toI dance alone now
turning slowly in the quiet of this room
your hand isn’t in mine
but I swear I can feel it
warm and full of life
guiding me in a rhythm
only we knewevery note, every beat
every laugh we shared
I replay those moments
It hurts to remember
but forgetting feels worseI never got to say goodbye
the words caught in my throat
I reach for you in my dreams
but you’re always just out of reach
a whisper in the dark
a face I can’t hold ontowill I ever love like that again?
I don’t know.
the thought feels heavy
like a weight I can’t bear
you were my beginning
my always
how do I start over
when the end came too soon?the music plays on
filling the empty spaces
where you used to be
and here I am
spinning and swaying
dancing with your ghost

diary entry XXX - memoryI have learned a lot in 4 years
how to let go
to accept things for how they are
how to love myselfI pray that the snow will melt
I pray that the bitter cold comes to an end
I pray that you never leave my mind
and that we find each other once more
when my time comesI met you on a day
a day that happens once every 4 years
and 4 years later
I lost youFebruary 29th
gave everything to me
and took it away too soon
life is truly cruel
truly unfairbut I will live on
I will live for you
I know we will see each other again
I promise not to cry too much
I love you.